Lost and Found

She said
I live in a house
On a hill
By the sea
It is perched
On the edge
Just like my life

It was
Just a glimpse
But we both saw it
At the same time
I felt you standing
Alone
Under the weight of loss
Solitary but steady
With strength and dignity

Wait
There is more
Than one soul here
Silhouetted
Against the crimson/violet sunset of loss
A boy is by your side
Mother and son
Gathered
To your waist
Joined with you
Through the loving protection
Of a bare arm

Familiar touch
Is so important
Now that we
Can no longer reach
What we loved
As much
As our own skin

Standing side by side
Not looking at each other
Eyes set on the horizon
Glazed by the sunset
Everywhere
Is searched already
For what we lost
A vessel, its crew,
A child, a puppy, a father,
A husband, a lover, a self

We all search
Inside ourselves
To understand our loss
Outside ourselves
To find what we have lost
Beneath our search
We already know its truth
They are never coming home

When, as a child
I stood by your side
I was frightened
In that moment
But needed
To be strong for you
I put my pain aside
I said I was OK
It didn’t matter to me
That my love and caring
Were braided with my pain
Fused together
And cast aside as one

After many years
I found those
Long abandoned feelings
Entwined and knotted together
Frayed strands of colored rope
Living in the tideline
At the margin of the sea
Just where
I had laid them down
So very long ago

When, as an adult
I felt you at my side
I was frightened
In that moment
but still needed
To be strong
For both of us
I held close
To my love and my caring
Feeling the pain of our loss

I am
No longer a silhouette
My being
No longer blocks the light
This crimson/violet sunset
Penetrates and passes
Right through me
I see clearly
Through these tears
I am part and all
Of the living universe
In love and in pain
Free and whole again
Born into a sunrise